It's been a while

Today I decided to finally start blogging about the life inside of me. For a long while I was too scared in fear that something would happen to her, and then it had been so long I sort of forgot about it.

Kayla Belle Buchanan

Due January 26, 2010

Tomorrow, tuesday, I will be 34 weeks. Let me tell you that I am feeling every bit of those 34 weeks with the back aches and swelling. Like I've always learned..."no pain no gain". It is quite strange to sit down or bend over and your belly touches your thighs. My belly button is poking out for all to see. It is so weird to see it inside out. Moving is extremely difficult these days. I make all kind of weird moans and grunts just to do the simplest tasks because bending and sitting are so difficult. When I am sitting and there is something that I need that is not within reach, it has to be real important for me to get up.
Ok, on to the good stuff... I LOVE belly rubs. My friend at work gives the BEST belly rubs... I seriously might ask her to come into my labor room with me to rub my belly the whole time. I love feeling her move, although sometimes it is not that comfortable. Last night Greg and I spent 30-45 mins just watching my belly go into all these weird shapes b/c she was really moving around. I love to look at her little bitty clothes. Yesterday Greg was frustrated and a little grouchy and I went and got one of the little pink outfits and he just layed it on his chest and started rubbing it like she was in it. It was so cute and really makes you imagine what it will be like in only a few short weeks! I just can't believe she will be here in only 3-6 weeks! Her development every week has been such a miracle and every week when I look up to see how big she is and how she is developing I am reminded how mighty and powerful but yet sweet and loving our God really is. God bless this little girl.

I have been thinking lately about life and God. I heard a quote that was said to one of my patients the other day... "Although you go through valleys sometimes, there are also peaks on the mountain tops." When that quote was said I started to think about the last year of my life, I realize that what I went through was probably not the hardest thing I will ever go through but I can say that I felt that I was in a very deep valley. The crazy thing is that after the initial shock of everything I knew that God was there through every second of it. I felt as though it was the footprints in the sand story where he was carrying me and my husband one over each shoulder. But now I think about how I feel as though we are on mount everest. I feel as though my life has turned around and I know for sure that I could fall from that mountain top any second of any day but the awesome thing about it is that I know He will pick me up again and carry me through it all! How great is our God!!!!!

Thank God for our freedom!

Thank you Lord for the freedom you give us. Freedom through your son Jesus Christ! Thank you for giving our American soldiers the strength to fight every war/battle that they have fought in and for letting them be able to know that you had their back every step of the way! Thank you to the soldiers that have sacrificed more then I could ever imagine for my freedom and our country's freedom. You have been through so much and seen so much that I feel like I can't thank you enough. Thank you to the families of these soldiers that have supported them as they went off to war. Thank you for being there when they came home and for loving them even with their physical and emotional wounds the war has left them. I pray that you will continue to support and love them through their struggle. And thank you to Mario Scott, how brave you are!
Today I will think and pray for you and your family. God bless!

I'll fight for you, I'll die for you

I'll Fight for you, I'll die for you!

"... Don't be afraid of the enemy! Remember the Lord, who is great and glorious, and fight for your friends, your families, and your homes!" Nehemiah 4:14

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you." 1 Peter 5:7

Do you ever feel like a burden will never go away? Do you ever feel like you don't know where your life is headed? Do you ever feel like crying every freakin moment of the day because the weight you carry is too freakin heavy!!!!!!?

Today is the day I am done fighting this freakin fight on my own! Today is the day that I will look the devil is his ugly face and spit on him! God is sooooo good and always provides... ALWAYS! I have no idea why I get so caught up in things I can't control...WHY? Damn the devil and what he tries to do with our minds. I had about a 10 pound and a 20 pound weight I was carrying on my shoulders until today. God, being the hero and all, took that weight and dropped it on the devils toes (I hope it hurt too!) Today is the day that my God has empowered me to stand up and win this battle... the battle of trust and faith and patience. You see the problem with me and most people are that we so easily forget all of the awesome things that He has done and all of the other battles we have fought together (God and I). When our lives get tough we sometimes doubt and question whether He will come through this time... HE WILL. He always does... in His timing and in His way... not ours. You see, I have always known this but it seems lately that I have decided to let the damn devil get to my head and lead me to believe that God may not come through, therefore I was worrying... and worrying... and worrying. Now the devil has a wet face and toes that hurt thanks to the almighty power of God.

I recently read in my bible study..."Sometimes God wants to show us what we can do rather than let us find someone who can do it for us." - Beth Moore

God wants us to fight when the going gets tough... even if fighting means not doing anything... just waiting for God's timing. Fighting ourselves, our minds, our need to control everything. Take it Lord... take this burden and grant me patience.

Psalm 62:5 "I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him."
Psalm 139:9-10 " If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me."

THANK YOU LORD FOR FIGHTING FOR ME, AND DYING FOR ME!

Amazing Love

"If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong, or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I posess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love I gain nothing."

- 1 Corinthians 13: 1-3

Today the only thing that I can think that is worth anything in this life right now (especially worth blogging about) is love. I am so amazed that I have been with my husband for 7 years total (almost 2 and a half married) and to this day I am in aw of the love we share. I just hope that all of my friends and family will one day experience (if they are not already) a love that is so deep.

The Life of a Dog

Ever wish you had the life of a dog? Man I tell ya, my dog is the best, and has the best life. I swear she sleeps at least 18 out of the 24 hours in a day. She also has the amazing ability to give unconditional love, I mean it really does not matter how long you have been gone she is always soooo pumped to see you. Another perk that dogs have is that they can wake up at the drop of a dime and be wide awake barking or just looking. Man I wish I could just wake up that easy. She really doesn't need to talk. when she is hungry she bangs her food bowl against the wall. when she is thirsty and out of water she bangs her water bowl against the cabinets. when she has to go out she stands at the door. when she wants off the couch or the bed she scratches at the edge. when she wants us to pick her up she scratches on our legs. when she wants her privacy she goes under the bed or in the closet. I mean it is like constant sign language. when i cry she licks my tears. although I must say that she is a little bit lazy, the dog hates walks. She would much rather sleep. I have to carry her for half of her walk and then when I reach the point of no return she will finally walk the rest. She is the absolute cutest thing I have ever seen in my life and watching her sleep is amazingly cute.

Jeremiah 29:11

Here is what I learned today...
Jeremiah 29:11
...For I know the plans I have for you, "declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and NOT TO HARM YOU, plans to give you hope and a future...
Another thing I learned...
"He is never more present than when he seems strangely absent." - Beth Moore

So it got me thinking, this God of mine is really trying to speak to me right now. I learned today two very profound truths that I cannot get out of my mind. This past week I have never felt so dissed by God in my life, until I realized that He really is here, and He knows that I hurt like HELL. This God of mine knows me from the inside out, He knows when I am mad, sad, lonely, frustrated...

Last week started like this...
At the beginning of the week I have never felt so overwhelmed by God's grace. I felt like my God told me what He wanted, I followed, and He blessed me in a way that I never imagined He would. I never felt closer to Him in all of my life. All I could do was think about Him and how great He was.
In the middle of the week I was completely confused by Him. I could not believe what happened and tried to find answers to my "tragedy". I had no idea that something could appear one way and then the truth reveals the complete opposite. I went from feeling overwhelming excited and blessed to feeling like I lost something that meant more to me then anything.
At the end of the week I became really pissed off at Him. I felt so dissed and so teased and so let down. I felt like my God built me up just to break me down. I felt like He wanted me to do this, I did it and then he backed out of the deal. WHAT THE HELL!
At the beginning of this week I started feeling like now he is just rubbing it in my face. Every where I go things remind me of it and people are talking about things that remind me of it. Could it get any more annoying.
Now... I feel like He is present even though He feels absent and He is not doing this to "harm" me or hurt my feelings. I know there is somehting so much deeper than I can see. I have decided I am so sick of being pissed off. I am now ready to just lay it down, give all of this pain to Him, let Him heal me, and remind myself everytime it hurts that He died on the cross for me and He hurts for me too.